"Dogs are assholes" DOG PERSON: YOU'RE an asshole! "Cats are assholes" CAT PERSON: Yeah

— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff)

gurl r u a cat because u have ignored all my attempts to earn ur love and attention

— pakalu papito (@pakalupapito)

i hav cat-like reflexes "prove it" *looks at a cat* (instantly) i like that cat

— jomny sun (@jonnysun)

"MY cat is like a dog." - every cat owner

— The Guy (@theguydf)

BATMAN: I got you flowers CATWOMAN: Put them in this vase BATMAN: Ok CATWOMAN: *pushes vase off counter while maintaining eye contact*

— Floyd (@dafloydsta)

*me petting my cat* CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be *a door opens* CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

— joe, friend to every (@sad_tree)

"You only live once." - a pessimistic cat

— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey)

Search History: Cat armor Buy armor for cats Cat jousting tournaments How to stop armored cats Cat army how to stop national guard phone #

— Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost)

[wins 4th thumb war in a row] me: "HAHA YES! i am the greatest" cat: "i dont think this is fair"

— k e e t (@KeetPotato)

Cat 911: What's ur emergency? Cat: Idk I just knocked this phone on the floor Cat 911: I don't care Cat: I don't care Cat 911: I don't c

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott)

Two of my cats hate each other and they're always smelling each others assholes and it's like maybe that's the problem.

— Laura (@LadyLardman)

I wish I was as good at looking dead inside as a cat being hugged.

— Mike Primavera (@primawesome)

Good Cop: step away from the ledge Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin)

My cat sure drinks a lot of water for someone WHO CLAIMS TO BE TERRIFIED OF IT

— Jazmasta (@jazmasta)

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work at this aquarium? Cat in a wig: I just love marine life ok [knocks over desk calendar]

— Gay Apparel (@figgled)

It's so sad that curiosity led to so many life-changing inventions, but is still mostly remembered for killing that one cat.

— sixthformpoet (@sixthformpoet)

wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen

— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman)

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al-- WIFE: Tell him. SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat's dead.

— O Toddenbaum (@TheToddWilliams)

Cat 911: Whats ur emergency? Cat: The red dots on the wall again Cat 911: OMG Cat: [thumps into wall] Cat 911: You ok? Cat: ITS STILL THERE

— Rocky Momax (@rockymomax)

[doorbell] WIFE: That's probably Bob ME: Bob from work or Bob the cat who thinks he’s a lizard? W: Just get the door

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod)

*grabs diet coke* *grabs mentos* *grabs duct tape* *grabs cat* *calls Nobel committee* I hope you haven't given away the science thing yet

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope)

[cat hits a catnip blunt] What if, hear me out here, what if humans didn't enjoy seeing our buttholes [other cat] Dude you're high, shut up

— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86)

CAT BOSS: Your productivity is way down this week. Explain yourself CAT EMPLOYEE: I saw a box CAT BOSS: OH MY GOD WHAT WHERE TELL ME NOW

— Michael (@Home_Halfway)

my cat always looks like she just watched you take the last slice of pizza without offering to split it

— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul)