Is this a permanent breakup?

Hi Meredith,

Two weeks ago, my boyfriend of more than three years broke things off with me. For a little background – we met at university and were together for the majority. We lived separately officially but spent 99 percent of our nights together. After graduating, we travelled for three months and then had to move to my parents' house while we found jobs. We found jobs, moved in with a friend in the middle of the city, and both finally felt settled and happy. We had it all – well-paying jobs, a 20-minute walking commute (unheard of), very low rent, and the world at our feet.

A month ago, he tells me he's unhappy – he wants more time to play video games and feels he doesn't see his old housemates enough. We see them roughly once a week, and since getting his computer, he plays video games more than he used to. I tried to give him more space, but expressed that I wanted more quality time together when we do see each other. We'd been a bit tense and the affection on his part had died off, in hindsight. We went away with his family for a week, and he broke things off at the train station on the way home (another matter entirely!).

Since then, we have talked once, and he got very very upset. Neither of us wanted to say goodbye. He's since asked to keep hold of memorabilia – photos, a necklace he gave me. He still keeps a picture of us taken recently in his wallet. He's moved out, and I'm trying to move on. We're both very upset from what I can gauge from friends. I think he's going through a bit of a quarter life crisis – he's always been very lucky and things have just worked out for him: good grades, I chased him, our traveling, and his new job have all been things that just happened without him trying. This is his first real hurdle.

He's naturally very laid back and "content with mediocrity," whereas I definitely drive the relationship. I think this is the first time he's had to work, and without perspective, he thinks it's the end of the world. He didn't talk to anyone about his feelings, and made the decision overnight. Our relationship otherwise was great – very loving and good communication until the end. He's a lovely guy and I knew he was different when I met him. What I really want to know is whether this seems like a big red flag or whether it's just bad timing. Will he come through and realize what he's thrown away? Do I even consider taking him back? My best-case scenario is that I go off and develop the hobbies I'd let go slack again and give him his space, and maybe he'll come through and realize what he ran away from. What do you think?

"He's naturally very laid back and 'content with mediocrity,' whereas I definitely drive the relationship."

That sounds exhausting. Yes, please use this time to pursue those hobbies and to focus on major self-care. You've done all the work here, and now it's time for a rest. I have no idea whether he'll come around, but you can't go back to what you had. Amazing commute aside, you've been with someone who doesn’t want to make sacrifices for a relationship. You've been with someone who became more concerned about video games than showing affection. That doesn't work long-term.

You don't have to figure out whether to take him back right now, because a reconciliation doesn't seem to be on the table. Instead of trying to guess how you'll respond to his next move, think about your own plan. Fill your time with friends and activities. Get used to being on your own, because after three years, that's going to be a process. Know that despite this breakup, you're still living the good life. You're motivated, single, and can do whatever you want. That's the real best-case scenario here – you learning how to prioritize yourself.

Readers? Should she take him back? Will he come back? Is this just bad timing?

– Meredith